


Your Death It Won't Happen To You. It Happens To Your Family And Your Friends.

by ATouchOfNostalgia



Category: The 1975 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Crying, Depression, Drinking, Drunkenness, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Late Night Writing, M/M, Men Crying, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Sad, Sad and Sweet, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 02:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20323447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ATouchOfNostalgia/pseuds/ATouchOfNostalgia
Summary: Matty's had a bad couple weeks, scratch that, a bad couple months. Writing this song has been hell. Its torn him apart. George is always there to help put him back together again.Trigger warning I guess? Idk read the tags. Sorry for the shit summary. :^)





	Your Death It Won't Happen To You. It Happens To Your Family And Your Friends.

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaaaaaadrians back and he wrote, wait for it, something really sad again, that's all I know how to write if I'm being honest.  
I'm actually quite proud of how this turned out but at the same time I'm scared no one will read it or think it's shit. Love that for me.
> 
> Anyways,, carry on reading, I hope you enjoy.

Matty's depression manifested itself in different ways, in days full of sleep, days where he just cried in bed, and days where he had to ignore it. The days where he had to ignore it were the worst, having to pretend everything was going great and acting like everything was fine always hurt him. It's not like he wanted to hide how he was feeling, he definitely wanted to let people know he wasn't doing okay. He wanted help, but he didn't want to burden anyone, didn't want to say how depressed he was when he could act like everything was okay. Why even tell anyone if you can just act like you're okay until you really are?

It always came in waves, waves of happy, content, and joy, followed by waves of emptiness, sadness, and pain. It was easy to push through the sadness until the happiness came back most of the time. The depressive phases didn't last that long anyway, he would just push through until he was okay again. That's how it's always been.

Until now. Now it's been months and he still felt like he was drowning in sadness, he was waking up every morning hoping the hole in his chest would be gone only for it to have gotten larger, it was getting harder and harder to pretend because it just kept getting worse and worse.

He didn't think the others had noticed, well they always kind of noticed, but they always knew he was going to be fine again in a matter of weeks. After a while Matty had a haunting realization that maybe he wasn't going to be fine again, maybe this was his tipping point and he'd never get out of it. He realized this one night after a show, drunk in his hotel room trying and trying to come up with lyrics for a song off the new album to no avail. 

A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships was set to be released in a few months, and while the album was pretty much finished, he still felt like there was something missing from the album. He felt that he needed to write just one more song for the album. Normally when writing songs it was lyrics first, then he'd come up with the title, but for this track he knew what he wanted it to be called,  _ I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes). _

He had more pages in his journal than necessary that were dedicated to this song, dedicated to lyrics and notes about the lyrics and just a place where he poured everything he was feeling into the pages. He remembered when he first started writing it, he had been on a late train back to Manchester, the train was silent and almost empty, dark and calming but also felt a bit out of place.

George had been sleeping on the seat in front of him, and he had been staring out the window, trying not to cry when he opened his notebook to a new page. Scrawling  _ I always wanna die  _ along to the top, thinking for a moment before adding  _ sometimes _ . He felt the song title described his life perfectly, he always did want to die, but only during his depressive episodes. So, sometimes. Yeah, sometimes.

Two months later, we're back to the night Matty was drunk in his hotel room. He normally always shared a room with George, going out of his way to make sure the two got a room together, but these past few weeks he's been distancing himself from the younger man. If he couldn't even make himself happy, how was he meant to make George happy too?

George has always been a big part of his life, he was his boyfriend for fucks sake, but how was he meant to focus on the biggest part of his life when he didn't even feel like he was alive? He had always related a bit too much to the statement “I'm not living, just surviving” but now he felt like he was failing at surviving too. He felt like he was waking up everyday just hoping to be alive again, only to feel like nothing was real, and honestly he's gotten quite used to it. Maybe he wasn't meant to survive anymore, but it was too much effort to stop. Maybe it was best to keep on trying?  _ If you can't survive, just try.  _ He scribbled out onto the page.

  
  


What if he stopped trying? He wondered, taking a swig from a bottle of red wine. Suicide had never been something he'd considered before, he'd never thought of taking his own life as an option, but alone in a hotel room, drunk and sad, he thought maybe it could be a solution. Rain was pouring down hard outside, and the water hitting the windows was the only sound that drowned out his own sobbing as he finished off the bottle of wine.

What would he get from suicide though? Nothing. Everything would just stop, at least he would stop having to try though. Maybe he would benefit from it, maybe he would finally be at peace, but he knew others wouldn't. His parents and brother would be torn, George would be broken. Hann and Ross would be lost. All their fans would be heartbroken, he couldn't do that to everyone he loved, even if it would stop everything that was tearing him apart.

He rubbed at his eyes and realised he had gotten tears all over his journal, he wiped the page dry as he fumbled around for his pen, grabbing it and scribbling the last line he would write that night.  _ Your death it won't happen to you, it happens to your family and your friends.  _ Shutting the notebook he grabbed his phone off the bedside table, pressing on the contact of the one person he knew he could trust before falling back against the sheets.

No answer yet.

No answer yet

No answer ye- 

“Matty?”

Matty opened his mouth, trying to think of how to tell George everything that was going on, trying to figure out how to let his boyfriend know how he felt, but all that came from his throat was a sob. An ugly sob, a _ god I feel like I'm dying _ sob, and George knew exactly what to do. He always did. Matty cried as George told him he was on his way, told him he was going to be alright, and in minutes the hotel room door was opened and George was hanging up as he climbed into bed next to Matty.

“Hey, hey come here. You're going to be alright.” George said, pulling the broken man into his arms. Matty cried, cried harder than he had in months, because that hole in his chest wasn't there anymore. He didn't feel empty. He was filled with pain, so much pain. George just held him, running his hand through his hair and wiping away his tears as he tried to calm the older man. 

“It wo- won't stop George.” he hiccupped, holding onto his boyfriend like he would disappear if he let go. He needed George right now, he couldn't let him go. How had he pushed him away for all these months when he was the person he needed the most? George always knew how to help, why hadn't he let him?

The two stayed like that until Matty had fallen asleep, tear soaked face pressed into George's chest after long broken sobs turned to sniffles and then silence, and George lied there, playing with Matty's curls as he tried to figure out what to do, how to help.

“I love you.” George said softly, not expecting an answer but not needing one. He knew Matty loved him. Slipping out of bed, he quickly tucked a pillow under Matty's arm when his forehead creased and he made a sound of protest in his sleep, his arm grabbing for George. He wrapped himself around the pillow and relaxed back into the mattress.

George smiled sadly, pushing the hair back from Matty's face. He cleaned up the hotel room, throwing out empty alcohol bottles and placing Matty's phone and journal on the bedside table. He shut off the light before climbing back into the bed with Matty, pulling the blankets over the two of them. He wrapped his arms around Matty and pressed his face into his hair, leaving a kiss on top of his head before he too drifted off to sleep.

  
  


The next morning Matty sat on George's lap, leaning against his large frame as he showed him the journal pages, the song and his emotions, everything he had written over the past couple months. George listened, offering his support when Matty seemed to get particularly choked up over certain things and reassuring Matty that he loved him and he was going to get better.

Matty's fingers grabbed at a page, the one from last night, hesitant to flip to the page of suicidal lyrics and scribblings. What if George thought he had gone absolutely mental? Told him he was overreacting?

Finally he let himself turn the paper, resting his head back against George's chest and muttering an “I'm sorry.” as George's eyes scanned over the paper, the venting, the lyrics, the corner of the page ripped off where Matty had written down how worthless he was before deciding on throwing it away.

“ _ I'm _ sorry Matty, I'm sorry you felt this way and didn't feel like you could tell me. Never apologize for feeling this way, just let me know so I can try to help.” George finally spoke, taking the journal and shutting it, setting it aside to wrap his arms around the smaller man. “I love you so much, and we're gonna get you happy again.” He said, and he said it like it was a promise, said it in a way that made Matty believe things would get better.

And they did, things can never stay bad forever, and months later, after A Brief Inquiry was released, Matty would smile to himself while playing this song because he would think back to all those horrible nights, all those painful days, and he knew it was over, for now. Of course those days would come back, things can never stay good forever either, but he knew he had George with him to help him along, and maybe that was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry aaaaa I loved writing this tho but I think it may be one of my saddest things to date? I'm not sure actually. I don't think anything else I could ever write can hold a candle to I Can Stage A Situation But I Just Can't Eat tbh (psst,, go read my other fics if you haven't. They're sad too (accept like one of them, one if them is fluffy and smutty))
> 
> Please leave a comment and a kudos if you liked :^) I love reading comments and they motivate me to write more, I have a few other fics in the works so look out for those ???? okAY ILL SHUT UP NOW ILYALL


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